I’m not gonna lie.
Many times, holidays don’t come easy for P/P. And I mean any holiday.
Last Mother’s Day, for instance, ended in my 5-year-old screaming in the restaurant parking lot that he hated all my family and wanted them to die.
So that was fun.
I know it’s awful for him too, and I HATE that he has to deal with this, especially when other little kids are get to be so carefree.
But to be honest, it just sort of comes with the territory of this oh-so-volatile disease.
And truly, I can’t say every single holiday has sucked since PANS. I can say that I never know which ones will end in epic failure and which ones will swim along, tense but ultimately fine.
The not knowing sucks almost (but not quite) as bad as the meltdown itself.
But if you’re like me, and holidays give you a case of the knot-in-your-stomach heebie jeebies because you feel like something’s BOUND to go wrong…
Then I want to share with you some of my own strategies for coping.
Loosen Your Expectations (For Now, At Least)
I know you want to see your kid smile from ear to ear on Christmas morning.
You want to see them color Easter eggs and get excited for their first loose tooth and do all the things and have all the experiences just like the other kids do.
You want that for them because you’re a good parent, and when that DOESN’T turn out to be the case… you ultimately feel like you failed.
I know—I really, really know—how much you want to see your child have a childhood. Complete with all the holiday memories and happy moments that every child deserves.
But my friend, it’s not your responsibility to make something happen that can’t happen right now.
It’s only your responsibility not to expect more than what your little one can give, and to meet them where they are. Right now, today.
You don’t have to make magic. You don’t have to feel the pressure to set up a Christmas tree if you know it’ll get broken…
Or try to recreate good memories from your own childhood, when you know your kid isn’t healthy enough to feel that same kind of joy right now…
And you don’t have to feel like you flunked out of Mom School because your child didn’t have a meltdown-less Mother’s Day.
Loosen your expectations for them AND for yourself.It’s hard, and you’re doing your best, and that’s enough.
Remember You’re a Person, Too
Like duh, right? Except that most moms forget it. P/P moms, most of all.
When you’re a caregiver to someone with a chronic issue, it’s so easy to make your entire life about their illness while you become a side character in your own life.
But for their sake and yours, try your very darndest NOT to. Even if it’s small, do something for you that you enjoy. Something that makes you smile that has absolutely nothing to do with P/P.
Maybe it’s a holiday tradition that you can modify just for you. Or maybe it’s just sneaking off to have a hot cup of coffee in the early morning air.
Or maybe it’s stealing a few moments to pray, or to read, or to feel the steady rhythm of your heart in your chest.
Self-care as a PANS/PANDAS caregiver probably won’t look like jet-setting and glam, but it SHOULD look like something.
Holiday or not, it’s okay to think about YOU too.
So take a hot shower with fancy soap. Eat your favorite meal. Paint your nails. Take a walk. Plop your feet in a foot bath. Do something that makes you feel human.
You need it. You deserve it.
Just Say No (Show)
I wanna give you a gift. It’s called permission. (Obviously it’s not from me personally—you don’t need my permission, lol.)
But maybe you can use this as a way to give YOURSELF permission… to just say no ANYTIME it’s not in your child’s best interest to go somewhere or do something.
Social pressure makes us feel like we absolutely must do what everyone else is doing. But why? You’re not living the same life everyone else is living.
Which means sometimes you can’t do what everyone else is doing. Don’t feel bad for being the gatekeeper who turns away negative experiences for your kiddo.
If Christmas at your mom’s house means the whole family will have something to say to you about your parenting (and your PANDA)...
You have permission to just say no.
If the Halloween party is too sensory stimulating or you know the Easter egg hunt will end in someone getting punched…
Don’t give into the pressure to just go because everyone else is going.
No need to be mean about it. And no need to explain yourself if the ones you’re explaining it to choose not to understand.
Just a simple, “I think we’ll sit this one out, thanks!” does just fine in those cases.
I’m not saying be a recluse. But I am definitely saying that it’s okay to ask yourself the questions:
Will my son or daughter be better off after going?
Will they feel better or worse about themselves when they leave?
Does this situation prime them for a meltdown?
Sometimes it’s worth the risk, and sometimes it’s not. Only you can answer that one.
Either way, don’t feel like HAVE to, just because it’s expected.
It’s already hard. Don’t feel like you’re obligated to go places, do things, or be around people that make it harder.
Hit the Pause on Social Media
In my experience, social media hits hard whenever another holiday rolls around.
It’s like—oh look, Stacy from high school dressed up all 3 of her kids as Cupid and they’re passing out valentines at a retirement home. That’s nice.
Oh look, the Jones’ hiked into the forest, chopped down their own Christmas tree, and now they’re live-streaming all 8 of their happy little kids decorating it. That’s nice.
It’s not that I don’t wish them all well, but man, does it ever sting to see these happy families paraded in front of me.
Which is why I do what I recommend you do (if you struggle with it like me.)
Take a social media pause.
It doesn’t have to be forever. Just long enough to re-center, catch your breath, and realize that even their lives aren’t perfect, no matter what it may look like on Facebook.
It’s a little bit cliche to say now, but it’s still true: you’re only seeing their highlight reel.
It’s all cherry-picked moments that make their lives look awesome. Meanwhile, you’ve got a backstage pass to your own life—and yeah, it’s not so pretty and polished backstage.
Sometimes just NOT having those happy moments shoved in your face can be a blessing all by itself.
Buuuuut I understand that getting off social media for any length of time is hard. So if you’re like, “yeah, that’s not gonna happen…”
What about joining groups/following people/immersing yourself in things that make you happy instead?
That way, you can at least curate your content with some positivity, something that feeds your soul a bit.
Myself—I follow tons of painters, motivational speakers, pastors, some PANS/PANDAS groups.
(I even joined a group for Bluey fan theories by accident a couple days ago, and stayed in it because it’s weirdly entertaining.)
Point being… all holidays are tougher with a PANS or PANDAS child. If switching up your social media can make it less tough, why not give it a shot?
Your Presence Is the Present
It’s so, so easy to get caught up thinking we “must” do this or go here or have some certain experience, especially when it’s a special day on the calendar.
But at the end of the day, the thing your child needs most… probably isn’t gifts or outings or even super amazing moments.
Those can and will come as they heal and their brains can handle it.
But in the meantime? Just being present with them—with them and with yourself—is the best present.
Seriously. They’re little, they’re tired, and their bodies are at war with themselves.
You staying beside them, accepting them, and just quietly showing up for them… What better gift can there be?
